L'amor che move il sole e l'altre stelle

"There’s a crack (or cracks) in everyone…that’s how the light of God gets in." — Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

The last few weeks, I have found myself more in a meditative state of self-exploration and trying to figure out who the hell I am. Why do I do the things I do, am I am good friend, a good wife, a good influence, a good employee, do I inspire hope in others, do I break, decieve and crush? I challenge everyone to do this, it is life changing.

I have been doing a lot of hanging out with David. Yes, that David. How did he do it? How did he have such faith that would change kingdoms and empires? How did he live with himself? I admire his faith and that is why I have fallen in love with him and his writing.

Why is it more often times that not we break our own heart or allow others to do it for us. A teenager tells me "it's because it's worth it, one day it will stick." However do we know love when it really comes along or are we always going to be looking for something better, from someone to make us forget our past, forget who we are and forget that we are more than just our emotions. We take chances, we move, we start new jobs, we start new relationships hoping they will all make us happy. I no longer think there is anything we can do to make ourselves happy but it's only a state of being, a place in your heart, maybe that light that filters in through the cracks. I don't think we have to wait for love to come along, it's already here. It's inside of us, and yes it's inside of you, you love enough that your life is full of it, (yes, you, you know who you are).

A man named Perry....(If you lived with me in Atl you know who I mean) once told me, there may be shadows in your life but you have to remember it takes light to cast those shadows, there is always more light than darkness. No matter how dark things become the smallest amount of light will alway dominate the room. Embrace that and it will be enough.

It seems there are times we look for someone, anyone who is breathing and warm to be our salvation, our redeemers. We look for that person who can make us whole and to make up for all that we have lacked before that person ever came into our lives. We expect that person to save us from the world and life. I am not suggesting this would be a lover, it could be, it could be anyone.....a child, a dog, a partner or a friend.

"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place." — Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Where do we find true love? I am starting to believe it is not in someone else but only can be found in ourselves. True love is when we accept our shortcomings and allow others to love us despite them. True love is faith in yourself, it's love and light that others see, if patience, it's hope and it can never be found. It can only be realized.


A good read as well:

http://lindseyshea.blogspot.com/2008/09/blog-revival.html

Time Stops for No One

Today I am thankful that time stops for no one. I once thought that when someone passed it was just time's way of leaving someone behind. I would resent time for doing that to me and people I care about. Often times I beg it to stop just so I can take a moment to catch my breath. If refuses. Time and erosion go hand in hand. Time will tear down walls that people try so hard to keep up, while the emotions those walls are protecting erodes. Time and erosoin is an unstoppable force. It makes us better people. It breaks us, changes who we are, shakes our core and spits us out to grow, the way only time can and will allow. It magnifies what is important in our life and what we must do to presevere it.

Create a pure heart in me, O God

and renew a steadfast spirit. Psalm 51:10

Tornado

Today I am thankful for a few friends that have provided a temporary distraction for me. From my lady friends at the high school to my sister and step-mom. I have been in somewhat of a struggle the last several months with the person I am, the way I act and the way I feel. I don't think they always match up. I am a therapist, I should have my stuff together but I think before that I am human and even worse a female. We never make sense.

Some days are a lot harder than others which is true for everyone. Stress can be overwhelming, people are overwhelming and situations can become out of control. For example, I was sitting in the Target parking lot yesterday, put my car in reverse, had not moved, a kid ran behind me. I saw them and sat there, the Mother walked up and called me an effing c*^%. Who does that? Geeze lady. It just goes to prove my point the world can be a major sucking place from time to time for everyone.

I have been doing a lot of thinking, meditating and praying. I have noticed the last couple of days right before I become overwhelmed with the nonsense of life someone steps in. Call it devine intervention, the powers that be, the god within, but I think someone is trying to tell me something. I am thankful that he is communicating with me. It has been a while.

Perhaps he has been speaking to me all along and I have failed to listen. Well you know what buddy, you have my attention.

Theme of the Day

A therapist will tell you issues tend to run in waves, such as problems with parents, issues with death or even just problems with school. Recently it seems there is a massive case of broken heart syndrome which leads me to believe that a broken heart can be contagious. The problem with love is pain.

CS Lewis breaks love down into four categories. In the Four Loves he calls each love out by it's name, Storge (affection), Phielo (friendship), Eros (passion) and Agape (charity). Over the last couple of weeks I have been trying to put love into my own category, is it a condition, a habit, a mixture of circumstance and hormones or is it truly a mind blowing event that takes place between two people?

Affection: is fondness through familiarity, especially between family members or people who have otherwise found themselves together by chance. It is described as the most natural, emotive, and widely diffused of loves: natural in that it is present without coercion; emotive because it is the result of fondness due to familiarity; and most widely diffused because it pays the least attention to those characteristics deemed "valuable" or worthy of love and, as a result, is able to transcend most discriminating factors. Ironically, its strength is also what makes it vulnerable. Affection has the appearance of being "built-in" or "ready made", says Lewis, and as a result people come to expect, even to demand, its presence—irrespective of their behavior and its natural consequences.

Phielo: Friendship is a strong bond existing between people who share a common interest or activity. Lewis explicitly says that his definition of friendship is narrower than mere companionship.

Eros: is love in the sense of 'being in love'. This is distinct from sexuality, which Lewis calls Venus, although he does spend time discussing sexual activity and its spiritual significance in both a pagan and a Christian sense. He identifies eros as indifferent.

Charity: is the love that brings forth caring regardless of circumstance. Lewis recognizes this as the greatest of loves, and sees it as a specifically Christian virtue. This is an unconditional love that can be easily taken advantage of.

Love is one of most valuable components of being human we possess but yet it can destroy someone, make them angry beyond belief, make a person crazy and even cause death. Why do we treat it so casual if it's so delicate? I have noticed that when people get hurt from love they want to inflict that pain on someone else whether it be the significant other or the use of someone to help distract or to cope with the loss of the missing person. Making heartbreak contagious. It's a never ending cycle.

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in her book Eat, Pray, Love; "I will never again use someones emotions as a scratching post for my emotional distress." She was referring to using someone when we are down and out, when we hurt, when we need someone in this world to think we are worth something because the person we love may not think so highly of us at the time. This is using people and will only result in their heartache when you are not there for them. Creating a cycle of heart ache. Think about this next time you dump on a friend or stranger, is this a give and take relationship or are you just using them? Will you be there for them in the same circumstance or will you have moved on by then? Never use someones heart to repair the cracks in your own, it's not fair to anyone.

If we were to give to every whim, feeling or emotion we felt we would be little bombs going off everywhere, hurting, creating chaos and destruction with every other breath. Thank God we have a brain to help regulate these emotions and to help us realize what is truly important in our lives and what heartache we stand to gain by trusting something other than what we know.

Love is an ability, not everyone is capable of it. Guard your hearts and your mind from those who are not able. Recognize when you are hurt, angry and mad at the world. Understand that your actions can breed more heartache for others and ultimately building a fence so high around your heart that no one can reach you.

CS Lewis wrote, "The only place safe from Love is Hell." I believe we can put our self in our own personal little hell. We have to choose happiness over suffering. It's a choice we make with our minds not with how we feel.

Place a seal over our heart,

like a seal on your arm;

for love is as Strong as death,

it's jealousy unyielding as the grave.

It burns like fire,

like a mighty flame.

Many waters cannot quench love;

rivers cannot wash it away.

Song of Songs 8:6-7

I used info from CS Lewis, The Four Loves (great book), wiki, Eat Pray Love and the NIV of the Life Application Bible.

Jason & Danielle

Today I am thankful for Jason and Danielle. Jason being my brother and Danielle his woman. :-) They one of the best advantages to being me.

Jason and I have always been together with the exception of my moving out at 19 due to an internship Atlanta. When our parents divorced at a young age the two of us were always together, at sitters, visiting family, at home and often times at sleep overs. My friends also had siblings my brothers age so it was nothing for him to go with me. My brother has even been known to accompany me on dates. He is my go to. Usually he knows everything and anything that is going on with me and he knows when I am hiding things as well. I am thankful to have someone in my life that knows me this well. He has the most amazing sense of humor and very often when in his company I laugh so hard that the end result is usually me having to change clothes....ewwwh. I know. He is like a buoy in my life, one that I can tie my boat to and take refuge when I need to. He is a rock in my life that I would gladly lay my life down for.

Danielle is the woman that I will in no doubt end up in jail with at some point in my life. I am certain of this and hopefully we will be smart enough to have been nice enough to someone who will bail us out. She is fiercely loyal to those she loves and would gladly rip out someones throat it anyone threatened them. She makes the mama bear look like a starving puppy at the pound. She is adventure and never says no. She is always up for a challenge and a fight. She reminds me so much of some of my favorite women. She reminds me of my Aunt who passed a few years back. She has filled that hole that my aunt left when she died. She is fire and passion. I love her.

Millie

Today I am thankful for my Mother. I am thankful for her ability to believe in me and lift me up when I stuggle to do these things for myself. Even though she often drives me crazy she is a constant stone in my life.