Forgiven Anger

Forgiveness is not an emotion but a choice. It is a deliberate act that requires a deliberate effort if it is ever to be successful.

Anger however is an emotion that destroys no one but it's holder. Anger is a waste of energy and makes one weary with exhaustion.

Louis L’Armour wrote, “Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him.”

Anger is one of the most powerful emotions. It is an emotion than can cause us to kill, die, give all we have and to walk away from everything. But where does logic play in and where do we have the ability to control these emotions and make rational decisions.

People often confuse the inability to forgive with anger. I have heard people say “I don’t know if I can forgive her/him/God because I am still so angry. I am angry at the situation I am in, I am angry that I was hurt, I am angry that she left, I am angry at myself for not being more. I just can’t forgive because I am mad.” That is a lot of anger to carry around, it’s a lot of rage that has to be contained.

Someone could commit a horrible crime against you and your family. You can choose to forgive them but still be hurt over the loss.

To forgive someone is to accept the consequences of someone else’s actions. It is to choose to live in peace with the poor decisions someone else has made. This can include being a part of those consequences or removing yourself from it. It all is pending on your feelings and what you are capable of doing. The ultimate goal for happiness is to live in peace. A person is capable to forgive but that does not mean they are capable of being in that situation anymore.

Where does your peace rest? Where did your peace rest? Was it in someone else or in yourself? Putting your happiness and faith in another person will set you up for disappointment every time. People are incapable of being everything all the time. It’s not how we were made.

I love the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I have read this book several times. It has been a comfort to me when I was going through a rough patch. She writes, “People make mistakes, it’s who they are, don’t judge another person’s mistakes based on your success, you will fall, abruptly."

It seems so many times we blame our lack of forgiveness on our anger. We fail to realize they are two separate things. There is a process that we must go through if we choose to walk in forgiveness and to let go of anger.

What are the steps to releasing anger? How do you let it go? I find it as a battle against myself, a battle to beat emotions into the submission of my mind. I hate it, it’s the toughest thing to fight. The truth is if someone has wronged you and they ask for forgiveness they have done their part. They will sleep well at night. Their happiness has no bearing on whether or not you let go. Which really just pisses me off.

Releasing anger becomes a race against myself and the sickness that seeks to change me. I must get this purged from my body before it attacks my grace, my well being and faith.

On a side note, anger also gives me terrible headaches. A lady once asked me if I get "resentment headaches”? The answer is yes. When a persons blood pressure goes up, you usually end up with a headache, shoulder problems, neck and back pains.

So how do I beat this emotion into submission? I use the resentment of my emotion to fuel the battle. It’s on!

First, the anger must be purged from my thoughts. It must be removed from my mind. I write and I write and then I write some more until I am exhausted with the thought of the anger and writing. I write letters to the person I am upset with (not to be mailed), I write in my journal, I write in my blog (unpublished of course) I take my writings, fold them up and seal it in an envelope. And it sits on my dresser until I am ready to destroy it.

I have all this space at this point that I must quickly fill. I have to act fast before the anger creeps back in. I run, I work out, I listen to the most positive music I can find, I talk to people who make me laugh, I do something nice for someone unexpectedly, I try and make someone’s day. I visit a friend that I have not seen in a while, I call my Grandmother, I take my brother to dinner, I get a tattoo. (yes, the tattoo is a whole other story but a good one).

It takes time, it may take days or even weeks but I work. I work hard! When I feel that old anger trying to work it’s way back into my life, trying to corrupt who I am I put on my running shoes and run. I beat the pavement. I beat it out of me.

Check out 1 Corinthians 9:24-27.

I chose to forgive, I fight to resolve my anger and I fill my mind and heart with positive affirmations. Anyone can do this. It just takes effort and will power. I chose to throw that envelope away and to let go.

Resentment is a terrible weight to carry and is often accompanied with bitterness. It will destroy and steal from who you are.

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to

die. ~Malachy McCourt

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”

Sara Paddison

The Girl Next Door

The Girl Next Door keeps me in business. She has a constant broken heart and has the self-esteem that is comparable to that of a blind and deaf dog at the animal shelter. The problem is that she is a beauty that the world has forgotten to acknowledge. She is what is referred to as the salt of the earth and the peace that holds others together. Her friends seek her out for comfort. They look to her for words of wisdom.

Who holds her together? No one. She would never ask anyone to help her when she is capable of helping herself. Only her Mother has seen her cry.

As girls we learn from our Mothers how to be strong, how to always maintain composure and to never be a burden. The Girl Next Door is in a constant progression for making the world and others around her a better place. She works to please others, her parents, her friends, her teachers, her church, while doing her best all at she does.

Words used to describe the girl next door include wholesome, sweet, virgin, honest, trustworthy, fun, feminine, best friend or even buddy. (Note the words used to describe the girl next door has nothing to do with Hugh Hefner or double D cup sizes. )

Recently a writer from Askmen.com wrote an article as to why men should marry the girl next door and what dangers to look out for in doing so. The girl next door is constantly being taken advantage of and I believe perceptions like this may be why.

This is how Andy Ajzenkopf, Relationship Correspondent, describes her:

She's a homebody. She cooks, cleans and is not afraid of being at home, helping out with chores. Plus, she's not a fan of clubbing. She thinks the nightclub scene consists of horny drunks and game players who don't live honestly. And after all the not-so-great game players you've dated, this is a refreshing, alluring and potentially life-altering change for your dating scenario.

She's nurturing and sweet. Unlike so many of the women you've dated who had militant stances against being nice to you simply because you were a man, she's understanding of your needs and is willing to take care of you when you're sick. Her sweet demeanor -- and knowing that what goes around comes around -- makes you want to be with her and take care of her in kind.

She doesn't attract attention. She's "under the radar," so to speak. Guys won't hit on her everywhere you go; not because she's unattractive, but because she prefers to remain low-key, both in her appearance and her attitude. She's neither a flirt nor is she flashy; but she has that natural beauty that doesn't require coats of makeup.

She's predictable and safe. What you see is what you get. You'll always know where you stand with her, as well as where she stands on any given topic. There's no guesswork involved and that makes her a welcome change from all the women who've played head games with you before.



She's low maintenance. This is one of her best qualities. You won't have to constantly buy her jewelry and other such gifts to keep her interested. She even enjoys just slumming-it for a night in or out with you. Jeans and a T-shirt are fashionable enough for a stroll around town. But here's the kicker: when the occasion calls for it, she dresses to the nines.



She has family values. Because she comes from a solid family upbringing, she believes in the importance of family. If you ever want to be a dad, this is the woman you want as the mother of your children.


She has a good personality. Although this is not something you'd want to hear about someone you're meeting on a blind date, the girl next door is easygoing and able to joke around with you about all kinds of topics. You can go anywhere with her and never get annoyed. She doesn't complain, but she does speak her mind honestly and with respect for your feelings.



She's trustworthy and reliable. You can take her word to the bank. If she tells you she is going to do something or be somewhere, it's set in stone. You could give her your credit cards and never worry that she'll overspend. Now that's a headache you'll be glad to avoid.

To me it sounds like if you are a man and you want to live with your Mother then you need to marry the girl next door. Wow, girls aren’t we lucky. I wonder why the divorce rate is so high? It sounds like Mr. Ajzenkopf is explaining to men why they should take advantage of a Girl Next Door. They are sweet, low maintenance, other men won’t find them attractive, good personality and trustworthy. The way the girl next door is described is almost as if she does not deserve to go out, to have nice things, and to not be romanced because she is not demanding. She was taught to be low maintenance growing up and never a burden.

The best part of this article is when the author continues to go into detail as to what is wrong with the girl next door.

She's not a challenge. Let's face it; after some time with her, you may become bored. If you usually enjoy the spice that comes with a certain amount of frustration in a relationship, then she will not be the one to scratch the confrontational itch. Once you have her, the chase is over and you may eventually view her as a steadfast nuisance more than the sweet girl you thought you found.

She's predictable and safe. If you don't like spontaneity, then this isn't a problem. However, because she will never waver from the tried and true habits and experiences, you might have a problem spicing up your relationship just when you feel it's most crucial to do so. Can you say vanilla sex?

She might be playing you. The worst possible thing to discover is that this was all an act. She really is that wild child party girl who sucked you in with the "nice girl" facade, and all of a sudden, you're back playing the same relationship games that drove you to her in the first place.

The girl next door is the girl I have spend countless hours with on my couch, they are broken, worn down and tired. They are on the edge of becoming bitter and resentful.

I agree they are all those wonderful things as described, they love, hope and believe. However I feel that their ability to love, hope and to believe in others is what may be the very thing that sets them up for disappointment, especially when they are taken advantage of.

What and who are they believing in? Is their faith being displaced?

What type of man is drawn to this woman? What does he has to offer her? These men who want to marry the girl next door, are the boys who ditched her, for the cheerleader on prom. The seek her out as prey and as a trophy.

“She is just a friend, she understands." Sure she does. Boys, you have to realize, your indecisive hormones are breaking these young women. Each time you reject her you destroy a piece of her. Tom Petty, even makes reference to this girl in a couple of his songs, going as far as saying “all the good girls are all at home with broken hearts.” The girl next door is the good girl.

The girl next door is looking for her night in shinning armor. He will ride in on his horse. He will slam her against the wall, rip off her clothes and will treat her like a fantasy. He will be honest above all else. He will adore her, akin to God himself. Their relationship will be a constant challenge filled with excitement. She is anything but predictable and has been saving her deep emotions for this very man.

Who is the real girl next door?

She does not sleep, she cries and wishes she were someone or somewhere else. She desires to be noticed, desires to be desired and prays that some day she will. She is in constant worry about her appearance despite her illusion that she is not. She values the opinions of others and lives in this constant bondage of others peoples thoughts and ideas.

When she is in a relationship she is in a constant state of anxiety. She believes that at some point she will be replaced without notice and with something more attractive. Not, someone, but something. She wants bigger breast, a smaller waistline and better hair. No matter how beautiful she may be the men in her life prove time and time again there is always something better and the girl next door is never enough.

So she waits. She waits for prince charming to sweep her away. She prays for him, googles for him and searches relentlessly for him. Will he be what she deserves when she finds him? Will she even be aware that he is her prince or be to jaded to let down her guard.

Bettie Page who is a favorite among pin-up girls once said, “I was never the girl next door.” She was the girl next door, she was a great student, voted most likely to succeed, Salutatorian of her high school and cared for her two sisters. (official website biography)

What caused the drastic change in her life to move from the next door to the set made for a pinup girl?

What was she trying to prove?

The girl next door is more than just the girl to be taken advantage of.

The girl next door will pick up a whip and start beating ass when provoked and will look amazing while doing it.

A Great Article

My friend Dave sent this to me this morning. I thought I would share it. I love this article. I believe we all had an Aunt Ruby growing up.

Bad girls just wink at trouble

Published: Saturday, November 7, 2009 at 3:30 a.m.

Here's to the Bad Girls, bless their hearts, who make all the Good Girls look good. There's one in every family. Everybody loves her, but hates how she acts. Her mother worries. Her grandmother prays. Her aunts and sisters all want to strangle her. And her nieces want to be just like her.

She makes tongues wag, heads shake, eyes roll and tempers flare. Why? Because she does flat-out as she pleases - and that doesn't please her family.

Among my grandmother's nine daughters, competition was fierce for the "bad" title.But nobody could out-bad my aunt "Bad Ruby." I don't really have a "Aunt Ruby." I changed the name out of respect for her children.

My earliest memory of my Aunt Ruby is from when I was 7. I woke to the sound of shouting. My grandmother was giving somebody a piece of her mind. I heard my Aunt Clara say to my mother, "She stayed out all night again!"

My grandmother stood at the sink, her back stiff as a fence post, channeling her fury into scrubbing a skillet.

Aunt Ruby sat hunched over a cup of coffee, hair tangled, eyes red, lipstick smeared. As the tirade continued, she looked up and met my eyes. Then a big, loopy grin dawned across her face and she winked.

I was in awe. How did she do that? I never smiled when I got in trouble. I surely didn't wink.

That was the difference between Ruby and her sisters. They all saw trouble. But she was the only one who winked at it. Years later when Aunt Ruby was dying, my mother was pretty old and not well herself. But she drove for 12 hours in a blizzard just to tell Ruby she loved her. I was glad they were close in those final hours. I only wished they had been so for a lifetime.

I am nearly as old now as they were then, a thought I find completely astounding. I spent a lot of years trying to be good only to realize that I wasn't good at it. If there were a way to make a mistake, to say the wrong thing, to hurt someone's feelings, to disappoint someone I loved, to fall on my face, I would find it.

Then one day I discovered grace. I learned it from my children. When I was bad, if I said I was sorry, they'd forgive me. Like magic, the distance I'd put between us would be gone.

In the days I have left, I want to spend less time trying to be good and instead learn to be more forgiving. Because there are only two differences, really, between Good Girls and Bad:

Good Girls worry too much about what people think. And Bad Girls have more fun.

Sharon Randall's column is distributed by Scripps Howard News Service. Contact her at sharonrandall.com.